3 Months

3 Months

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It feels like yesterday and yet it doesn't feel real at all. Cardie was gone in less than 4 days - not even a whole week. We blinked and somehow she slipped away. 

Some of my most vivid memories are the nights leading up to her death. I remember leaving the hospital on Friday night because there was only one family member that could stay with her in the critical care unit. As soon as I got in my car there was a sense of relief. A moment to breath and for a brief second think of something else. But as soon as I got home, I couldn't sleep. With Phoebe snuggled up to me, I tossed and turned for the first few hours. I felt very sick to my stomach and I kept waiting for the call. 

My body jolted me awake a few minutes before the call came at 3AM from my mom to come to the hospital because it was time. I cried all the way there. 

But then miraculously, she fought through another day. I left the hospital again Saturday night hoping that this time, I would wake up to an alarm and not a phone call. If she made it through the morning, we could possibly be in the clear. 

At around 1:30AM on Sunday morning I got the call. Again, my body was already awake. It was an eerie feeling of knowing that something was going to happen before it did and my body was preparing me for it. I picked up my uncle, raced over to the hospital and by 3AM she passed away. 

Most days, I don't have a strong feeling of missing her because she feels like she is right around the corner and only a moment away. I constantly make mental notes of things to tell Aunt Cardie when I see her. "Why would I miss her if she isn't actually gone?" - that's what my brain tells me. But she is - for 3 months and a few hours. 

But I'm not the only one who feels like this every day. Those who have lost family and friends on 9/11 - they feel it. Those who have experienced Hurricane Harvey and Irma - they feel it. Anybody who has felt any type of loss - gets it. 

I miss you Auntie, as much as one can who doesn't fully grasp the reality of you not being here.

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